Hey there.
Are you lonely?
Think about it for a moment. Really think about it. Are you?
If I'm being completely honest- I often experience loneliness. Especially on my weekends (Friday/Saturday) when I'm doing chores, or when I get home from work. I live 430 miles and 2 states away from all my immediate family. I am a single woman in her early 30s, working full time. A lot of my friends are in different stages of life than me- either they are married or they have children, or maybe they are even older with teenagers and their own family and life to attend to.
I drive to work alone. I usually eat lunch alone. I often eat dinner alone unless I'm meeting a friend. I run errands alone and do laundry alone and wash dishes alone. I exercise by myself (when I do exercise) and cook for 1.
Now- I'm not sharing all of this so that you'll throw me a pity party. Far from it. I'm sharing it because I think that the way we live our lives in the West often perpetuates loneliness. But I didn't come to this conclusion on my own.
According to a Signa survey highlighted in Jennie Allen's book "Find Your People"- a lot of other people in the US are lonely too. Out of 10,000 people of all ages who were surveyed, 61% indicated they were lonely.
Why am I writing about this?
Well, I've been reading this book at the recommendation of a friend. I also recently heard a key speaker on this topic at a leadership conference. And the more I think and hear about this topic of loneliness and lack of community, I can't help but compare my experience of community here in the West with my experience in Uganda.
Now, I know that I only had a taste in the 13 days that we were in Kawempe, but my time there and research by others show that we in the West are really the only people who live like this.
We have our own cars, our own washing machines, our own houses, our own bathrooms, etc. We order our groceries and have them delivered to our door and we don't really have to talk to anyone, and then we have food in our fridge and freezer for a full week. We are so individualistic and independent here- which is great.... until it isn't.
In Uganda, I saw people sitting outside their homes, just chatting and spending time with their neighbors. Kids ran around and were looked after by the whole community. Women washed clothes together in tubs of water. People gathered around water pumps and in the markets chatting. Everywhere you looked were motorcycles with 2 or so people on them- called "boda bodas" or people walking along the road, or selling something outside of their homes.
There were these passenger vans that were like taxis and had 14 people crammed inside. 3 bench seats with 4 people sitting shoulder to shoulder and then 2 people in the front with the driver.
I remember thinking "wow, this would be so much faster than our public bus system". I have friends who ride the bus and they have to leave 2 hours early for work each day because that's how long it takes to get there with all the stops. There are not many buses and they make a LOT of stops. In Kawempe, these taxi vans were EVERYWHERE and seemed like a reliable and popular form of public transit. It made me think of all the times I have ridden in an Uber- just me in the backseat by myself and the driver up front, none of us saying a word. I mentioned it to my team members that we should have these vans instead of our big busses. They laughed and said no one would want to be crammed in so tightly with strangers.
In most other cultures, you share. Families live together with aunts and uncles and cousins and grandmas. Hospitality and community are high values. In the village, we went to visit several members of the community to drop off rice, soap and other donated goods. Every person we visited invited us into their home warmly. No one said "no, today is not a good day" or "come back in an hour".
Recently I was at a night of sharing with Northland's missionary partners in Japan- the Cauthorns. Gill was sharing about one of his favorite ways to wind down- going to the public bath house and sauna. As I listened to him share about being in his birthday suit with a bunch of strangers, I couldn't help but notice that all of my Western ideas about privacy and independence were being turned upside down.
I remembered seeing some kids in Kawempe bathing outside of their homes with plastic buckets of water. I was thinking "I guess privacy doesn't matter if poverty means you have no indoor plumbing".
Hearing Gill's example of public bathing in Japan challenged my idea that someone would never naturally choose to bathe in public, but would rather be forced to by poverty or other difficult circumstances. This was my natural thought process growing up in the West. That the "right" way to bathe was in private, in your own house, with the door shut, alone.
One example of community I saw in Uganda was when we were at church. It was baby dedication day at the second service and Pastor Robert invited our team up to help with the dedications. Several mothers quickly handed their babies right over to us to hold, even though they did not even know our names! It was as if everyone in the church were the fathers and mothers over all the children.
My favorite example was a little boy I saw, maybe 3 years old, wandering around the sanctuary during the worship. I saw him approach the platform and begin to climb up. "Surely someone is going to come and get him" I thought. I watched on with curiosity and awe as he made his way over to the drum set where the drummer was playing away. He climbed up onto the extra bench right next to the drummer and picked up a pair of extra drum sticks. "Ok, now for SURE they are going to come and get this kid" I thought. "He's gonna start playing the drums and messing up the music!"
As I kept watching the little boy began to pretend the play the drums with the sticks, even sometimes actually touching the toms or the cymbals. He was so small though you couldn't hear it. To my surprise, no one got up and pulled him off the drum set. No one said he was too little, or that he shouldn't be up there, or that he was messing up the music. No one really seemed to mind at all.
I sat there thinking- this is definition of "let the little children come to me". This little boy- whoever he belongs to- will probably be the next drummer in this church. The song ended, the sermon started, he got bored and eventually climbed down and made his way back to the rows of chairs. His family knew that he was safe, and that a whole congregation of people who loved Jesus were there and someone would have stepped in should he cross a line or be in a dangerous situation. I saw another little boy eating a muffin try to climb on the platform a few times during the sermon, and whoever was sitting closest to him would give him a look or shoo him down if necessary.
These are compared with my own day to day realities. Is it a bad thing that I am blessed with a washer and dryer at my house? Of course not! But does living with all my modern conveniences in our independently minded society afford less opportunities for connections and meaningful friendships?
Maybe so. I'm not sure.
Can I call a friend to see if they will come over and do laundry with me? Or run errands with me? Probably so. But let me ask you- when is the last time you tried to make spontaneous plans with someone and they were available?
How many people do you have to call on a Friday night until you find someone who will babysit for you?
My single friends- if your car is in the shop, are you able to find a ride, or do you just Uber because it's easier than finding someone available to pick you up?
It was the middle of July and I was at the community pool in my complex and these 2 boys were swimming with their dad. I was interested because most of the people in my complex are older and I don't see kids very often. I LOVE kids- and so I thought after 3 years here I had met all the kids around. I asked if they just moved in recently and they said "No- we have lived here for about 2 years".
I've lived less than a mile from them for 2 years and I've never seen them or met them before. And to be honest- it's mid-August now and I haven't seen them since.
What are we doing ya'll? I don't really want to live like this- do you? All isolated with our tiny screens and busy schedules, doing life alone. What about you guys? What do you think? I know that change will take being willing to be uncomfortable (like riding in a car with strangers) and it will take intentionality (like, being available for impromptu house visits) but it's gotta be worth it.
Some days when I feel extra lonely, I draw strength from my team member Jeneba and her story. She was the only Christian in her muslim family and often speaks about how it was "just me and Jesus". When I first got back from the trip, I was a little sad and lonely. I went from having breakfast, lunch and dinner with friends every day, riding in the car with others, running errands together or washing clothes together in the hotel bathtub- back to eating dinner alone, cooking meals and doing chores on my own. At first I held onto that mantra "Just me and Jesus". And it is right and good to learn to find my comfort in Christ my Savior. But if we look at Genesis- Adam was in paradise with God. Everything was perfect and he had all he could ever want- and yet God still said "it is not good for man to be alone".
We need each other AND we need Jesus. I believe that all good and perfect gifts come from our Father above. I have had seasons where I had that intimate community. People that I could call at a moment's notice who would let me come crash on their couch or people that would call me and I'd drop what I was doing to go and help. And for different reasons- I moved to a new part of town, I started at a new church, people got married or had kids, or we just lost touch- I have realized my community has shifted. And I miss it. But that doesn't mean I won't ever have that again. It will just take some effort on my part.
Who is in proximity to me that I could invest more time or energy in that relationship? Who is in a season of life where they have time to give? Who is nearby that I could give to? Who can I join or learn from?
My hispanic neighbors across the way do this very well. They are always on their porch, coming and going, with people over. I see the home help nurse who spends time with the grandma, but I also see the daughter, son and grandkids that come by all the time. Can I eat breakfast on my back porch and place myself in proximity to build relationship?
Can I find a buddy to carpool to church with or someone who wouldn't otherwise go without a ride? Who can I invite over to meal prep with and share recipes or swap cooked food? How can I use modern technology to ENHANCE my community rather than isolate me? The other night I texted my brother and sister-in-law and we played a board game over zoom. I took a step away from zoning out with netflix after work and a step towards the relationships I want to build.
How can I be the type of friend that I want to have or attract? How transparent am I in my closest friendships? Shout out to my friend Rhonda who came over before my trip and helped me pack my suitcase. Knowing she was coming helped keep me from feeling too overwhelmed and encouraged me not to procrastinate.
I'm convinced that I have a lot to learn about community from other cultures, and other people, but most of all, I can learn from my heavenly Father. And for me, that starts with prayer.
Dear Lord
Thank you for the model you gave me of community in the Holy trinity. The perfect love of the Father to the Spirit, the Spirit to the Son and the Son to the Father is such a beautiful example to me. I know that I was not created to live my life alone. Forgive me for the times that I am selfish or lazy and do not want to be available for others. Give me grace and understanding for those in my life or path that are not ready or healthy enough to pursue authentic Christ-like community. Help me not to judge or resent others who do not have time for me, and help me to have good boundaries myself as I seek to make time for others. May I always look to you Jesus to fill me when I feel lonely- and may my own loneliness lead me to compassionate love for others rather than self pity. Holy Spirit please work in our churches, neighborhoods and schools to transform our communities and minister to those who are lonely or isolated. May your will be done here on earth as it is in heaven.
Amen
Are you lonely?
Think about it for a moment. Really think about it. Are you?
If I'm being completely honest- I often experience loneliness. Especially on my weekends (Friday/Saturday) when I'm doing chores, or when I get home from work. I live 430 miles and 2 states away from all my immediate family. I am a single woman in her early 30s, working full time. A lot of my friends are in different stages of life than me- either they are married or they have children, or maybe they are even older with teenagers and their own family and life to attend to.
I drive to work alone. I usually eat lunch alone. I often eat dinner alone unless I'm meeting a friend. I run errands alone and do laundry alone and wash dishes alone. I exercise by myself (when I do exercise) and cook for 1.
Now- I'm not sharing all of this so that you'll throw me a pity party. Far from it. I'm sharing it because I think that the way we live our lives in the West often perpetuates loneliness. But I didn't come to this conclusion on my own.
According to a Signa survey highlighted in Jennie Allen's book "Find Your People"- a lot of other people in the US are lonely too. Out of 10,000 people of all ages who were surveyed, 61% indicated they were lonely.
Why am I writing about this?
Well, I've been reading this book at the recommendation of a friend. I also recently heard a key speaker on this topic at a leadership conference. And the more I think and hear about this topic of loneliness and lack of community, I can't help but compare my experience of community here in the West with my experience in Uganda.
Now, I know that I only had a taste in the 13 days that we were in Kawempe, but my time there and research by others show that we in the West are really the only people who live like this.
We have our own cars, our own washing machines, our own houses, our own bathrooms, etc. We order our groceries and have them delivered to our door and we don't really have to talk to anyone, and then we have food in our fridge and freezer for a full week. We are so individualistic and independent here- which is great.... until it isn't.
In Uganda, I saw people sitting outside their homes, just chatting and spending time with their neighbors. Kids ran around and were looked after by the whole community. Women washed clothes together in tubs of water. People gathered around water pumps and in the markets chatting. Everywhere you looked were motorcycles with 2 or so people on them- called "boda bodas" or people walking along the road, or selling something outside of their homes.
There were these passenger vans that were like taxis and had 14 people crammed inside. 3 bench seats with 4 people sitting shoulder to shoulder and then 2 people in the front with the driver.
I remember thinking "wow, this would be so much faster than our public bus system". I have friends who ride the bus and they have to leave 2 hours early for work each day because that's how long it takes to get there with all the stops. There are not many buses and they make a LOT of stops. In Kawempe, these taxi vans were EVERYWHERE and seemed like a reliable and popular form of public transit. It made me think of all the times I have ridden in an Uber- just me in the backseat by myself and the driver up front, none of us saying a word. I mentioned it to my team members that we should have these vans instead of our big busses. They laughed and said no one would want to be crammed in so tightly with strangers.
In most other cultures, you share. Families live together with aunts and uncles and cousins and grandmas. Hospitality and community are high values. In the village, we went to visit several members of the community to drop off rice, soap and other donated goods. Every person we visited invited us into their home warmly. No one said "no, today is not a good day" or "come back in an hour".
Recently I was at a night of sharing with Northland's missionary partners in Japan- the Cauthorns. Gill was sharing about one of his favorite ways to wind down- going to the public bath house and sauna. As I listened to him share about being in his birthday suit with a bunch of strangers, I couldn't help but notice that all of my Western ideas about privacy and independence were being turned upside down.
I remembered seeing some kids in Kawempe bathing outside of their homes with plastic buckets of water. I was thinking "I guess privacy doesn't matter if poverty means you have no indoor plumbing".
Hearing Gill's example of public bathing in Japan challenged my idea that someone would never naturally choose to bathe in public, but would rather be forced to by poverty or other difficult circumstances. This was my natural thought process growing up in the West. That the "right" way to bathe was in private, in your own house, with the door shut, alone.
One example of community I saw in Uganda was when we were at church. It was baby dedication day at the second service and Pastor Robert invited our team up to help with the dedications. Several mothers quickly handed their babies right over to us to hold, even though they did not even know our names! It was as if everyone in the church were the fathers and mothers over all the children.
My favorite example was a little boy I saw, maybe 3 years old, wandering around the sanctuary during the worship. I saw him approach the platform and begin to climb up. "Surely someone is going to come and get him" I thought. I watched on with curiosity and awe as he made his way over to the drum set where the drummer was playing away. He climbed up onto the extra bench right next to the drummer and picked up a pair of extra drum sticks. "Ok, now for SURE they are going to come and get this kid" I thought. "He's gonna start playing the drums and messing up the music!"
As I kept watching the little boy began to pretend the play the drums with the sticks, even sometimes actually touching the toms or the cymbals. He was so small though you couldn't hear it. To my surprise, no one got up and pulled him off the drum set. No one said he was too little, or that he shouldn't be up there, or that he was messing up the music. No one really seemed to mind at all.
I sat there thinking- this is definition of "let the little children come to me". This little boy- whoever he belongs to- will probably be the next drummer in this church. The song ended, the sermon started, he got bored and eventually climbed down and made his way back to the rows of chairs. His family knew that he was safe, and that a whole congregation of people who loved Jesus were there and someone would have stepped in should he cross a line or be in a dangerous situation. I saw another little boy eating a muffin try to climb on the platform a few times during the sermon, and whoever was sitting closest to him would give him a look or shoo him down if necessary.
These are compared with my own day to day realities. Is it a bad thing that I am blessed with a washer and dryer at my house? Of course not! But does living with all my modern conveniences in our independently minded society afford less opportunities for connections and meaningful friendships?
Maybe so. I'm not sure.
Can I call a friend to see if they will come over and do laundry with me? Or run errands with me? Probably so. But let me ask you- when is the last time you tried to make spontaneous plans with someone and they were available?
How many people do you have to call on a Friday night until you find someone who will babysit for you?
My single friends- if your car is in the shop, are you able to find a ride, or do you just Uber because it's easier than finding someone available to pick you up?
It was the middle of July and I was at the community pool in my complex and these 2 boys were swimming with their dad. I was interested because most of the people in my complex are older and I don't see kids very often. I LOVE kids- and so I thought after 3 years here I had met all the kids around. I asked if they just moved in recently and they said "No- we have lived here for about 2 years".
I've lived less than a mile from them for 2 years and I've never seen them or met them before. And to be honest- it's mid-August now and I haven't seen them since.
What are we doing ya'll? I don't really want to live like this- do you? All isolated with our tiny screens and busy schedules, doing life alone. What about you guys? What do you think? I know that change will take being willing to be uncomfortable (like riding in a car with strangers) and it will take intentionality (like, being available for impromptu house visits) but it's gotta be worth it.
Some days when I feel extra lonely, I draw strength from my team member Jeneba and her story. She was the only Christian in her muslim family and often speaks about how it was "just me and Jesus". When I first got back from the trip, I was a little sad and lonely. I went from having breakfast, lunch and dinner with friends every day, riding in the car with others, running errands together or washing clothes together in the hotel bathtub- back to eating dinner alone, cooking meals and doing chores on my own. At first I held onto that mantra "Just me and Jesus". And it is right and good to learn to find my comfort in Christ my Savior. But if we look at Genesis- Adam was in paradise with God. Everything was perfect and he had all he could ever want- and yet God still said "it is not good for man to be alone".
We need each other AND we need Jesus. I believe that all good and perfect gifts come from our Father above. I have had seasons where I had that intimate community. People that I could call at a moment's notice who would let me come crash on their couch or people that would call me and I'd drop what I was doing to go and help. And for different reasons- I moved to a new part of town, I started at a new church, people got married or had kids, or we just lost touch- I have realized my community has shifted. And I miss it. But that doesn't mean I won't ever have that again. It will just take some effort on my part.
Who is in proximity to me that I could invest more time or energy in that relationship? Who is in a season of life where they have time to give? Who is nearby that I could give to? Who can I join or learn from?
My hispanic neighbors across the way do this very well. They are always on their porch, coming and going, with people over. I see the home help nurse who spends time with the grandma, but I also see the daughter, son and grandkids that come by all the time. Can I eat breakfast on my back porch and place myself in proximity to build relationship?
Can I find a buddy to carpool to church with or someone who wouldn't otherwise go without a ride? Who can I invite over to meal prep with and share recipes or swap cooked food? How can I use modern technology to ENHANCE my community rather than isolate me? The other night I texted my brother and sister-in-law and we played a board game over zoom. I took a step away from zoning out with netflix after work and a step towards the relationships I want to build.
How can I be the type of friend that I want to have or attract? How transparent am I in my closest friendships? Shout out to my friend Rhonda who came over before my trip and helped me pack my suitcase. Knowing she was coming helped keep me from feeling too overwhelmed and encouraged me not to procrastinate.
I'm convinced that I have a lot to learn about community from other cultures, and other people, but most of all, I can learn from my heavenly Father. And for me, that starts with prayer.
Dear Lord
Thank you for the model you gave me of community in the Holy trinity. The perfect love of the Father to the Spirit, the Spirit to the Son and the Son to the Father is such a beautiful example to me. I know that I was not created to live my life alone. Forgive me for the times that I am selfish or lazy and do not want to be available for others. Give me grace and understanding for those in my life or path that are not ready or healthy enough to pursue authentic Christ-like community. Help me not to judge or resent others who do not have time for me, and help me to have good boundaries myself as I seek to make time for others. May I always look to you Jesus to fill me when I feel lonely- and may my own loneliness lead me to compassionate love for others rather than self pity. Holy Spirit please work in our churches, neighborhoods and schools to transform our communities and minister to those who are lonely or isolated. May your will be done here on earth as it is in heaven.
Amen